Okay. I spent a hazardous fifteen minutes to begin with, driving with my mother, my brother's girlfriend and her mom, from my house to their house to downtown to the movie theater. We got lost. Eventually, we found the mall, got in line for the 10:00 showing, and then after a claustrophobic wait for 20 minutes, we got inside the theater. We found our seats, sat down, and waited another 10 minutes of worthless previews before the movie finally began.

And I sit before you now, with my tale. For I have seen... New Moon.


And oh my God, where do I even begin? That thing was not a flick, New Moon was a two and a half hour long music video. Every five minutes or so, they would bust out with some sort of trendy, emotional, or at the very least entertaining track that would cover over a montage of sorts. No, I shit you not. I'm very sure that even now, someone will be pirating New Moon, taking those montage scenes, and making a montage out of those montages about how many montages were in that Godforsaken film. Tired of me saying montage? Montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage, montage!

Okay, but lets get into specifics. First of all, my greatest issue? The acting. The story was meh, it was okay, it did its thing, but the acting? Watching Kristin Stewart try to carry along the story was like trying to watch a cripple carry a bolder. I have no doubts she did the best with what she was given, but between the fangirl script and the ludicrous amounts of moolah she was no doubt gonna be raking in, it just seemed like such a labored process. Between pining for Edward, walking around moping, seeking cheep thrills so she can see some sort of weird-ass 'ghost' of Edwards that only occurred whenever she got boosts of adrenaline, I kept finding myself more and more wanting to get to someone who could keep me interested. ...And I will not forget those screams of when she was having nightmares. Just... You'll know what I mean... uugggghhh...

And Robert Pattinson's acting...

Moving on. Now, for the story: Sense - it did not make it. Somewhere between Sparkle Pants' ghost making Bella hot for him all over again, the hypocrisy of how she can love one murderer and not another because ooohhhhhhh! To kill vampires is such a bad thing! Ohhhhhhhhh!. Between all that, and I had no idea where I stood in terms of a story. And since we're on the topic of 'murdering', like Edward and all his other kind haven't bent some poor bastard over their knee and sucked them dry until they were a lifeless shriveled up corpse. Oh, and guess what? "I love you, Bella, and I'm never gonna leave you." Once scene later: "You're not good enough for me. I'm going now, and I'm never coming back." And all over one of the Cullens getting in a knot over how Bella had gotten a papercut (which looked liked it needed stitches, btw) when before he was pining about how Bella was the only reason for him to be alive. Words cannot describe the roiling confusion I feel every time I try to piece together the plot. It's like 2001: A Space Odyssey, except without any philosophical value.

On a plus side: Jacob had a personality. The werewolves weren't half bad. And the small bit parts took the attention away from the mind numbing 'bleh' of all the main heavy hitters.

In my opinion? Way, waaaaaaaay over hyped. Way over hyped. I can stomach it as a C+ movie, but outside of that, I'll stick with my Bram Stoker's Dracula, Vampire Hunter D, and other vampires who don't suck to read or watch. Oh yeah, and if you don't particularly like my little review here, fine, ok, just don't come running to bitch at me. Please and thank you.

...I'm going to go into a corner and cry over the death of gothic vampire fiction... Have a lovely weekend.